among giants: at the Architecture Biennial Chicago 2017
It’s a gray and drizzly day outside my window. October has arrived, and I’m marking my first three months in Chicago. I’m excited, since I’ve missed the turning of the seasons, especially autumn. In southern China, it seemed to be always an endless summer; before that, in Jiangsu and Sichuan, there were summer and winter seasons, occasionally with snow, but I missed the gradual changes as one time of year changed gradually and seductively into another. Before that, seasons in Los Angeles were distinguished only by a slight lowering of temperatures; if the air was clear and you could see the mountains, it was winter; when the smog and burning-eyeball season descended, it was summer.
Officially I’m unemployed, with no dependable, regular working hours and income. I’m working, sometimes diligently and fully focused, but only sporadically. I’m a substitute teacher for Stafford House, Chicago, and my freelance career as a private tutor hovers around 3-4 hours a week, but is failing to achieve lift-off. I’m in it for the long haul, anticipating two years to build my business and reputation, but what do I do in the meantime, right now? I’m applying for any and every job, pride be damned.
The honest truth? It sucks to be 61 years old and unemployed. It sucks to feel the pinch of age discrimination in the job market. Burning through my savings was not my idea of how to spend the time leading to my Golden Years. However, bitterness and resentment don’t put out positive vibes, nor do they lead to job offers. My 12-Step training is very useful now: one day at a time; KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid); and just act as if.
So that’s my current status: “As If.” FYI, in an earlier draft of this post I wrote a Pollyanna-ish, upbeat, rose-colored ending in which I imagined my happy future. I deleted it.
tower, Architecture Biennial Chicago 2017